Life is more than just being alive
by FallingDarkness
Summary: Inuyasha's thoughts late at night about Kagome, Kikyo and how to eventually deal with "the" situation. ONE SHOT


Disclaimer: Inuyasha and everyone else in the anime / manga doesn't belong to me, never has and never will. 

A/N: Probably totally OOC, but I can't help myself I felt like writing it. This is a product of my middle-in-the-night writing sessions, so please don't expect a masterpiece. Set after episode 126.

_Life is more than just being alive_

_by FallingDarkness_

He had have visions of her the moment she died. He had realized this later, but it had to be that very moment she fell into the river of shouki and was dissolved. He had told Kagome about this, after the incident with that strange baby, Naraku's human heart, and she had told him with sadness in her eyes that he had still something more than loyalty and guilt that bound him to the now definitely dead priestess. He had once promised to save her from Naraku, to always protect her. But she didn't hear, didn't want to hear. Had even put a knife to his throat and said that Naraku could never kill her. Oh how wrong she had been. She had paid for her mistake, but in his eyes, the price was too high. Of course. A life was always too high as price for a mistake. On the other hand, life… Existence would be a better word. Kikyo hadn't had a life. Kagome was alive, had a life, but not Kikyo.

Kagome.

He sat back on his branch and watched the nightly sky as it slowly, unnoticeable turned around. As the world turned around, he remembered. Kagome had told them this long ago; that the earth was circling the sun just as other planets and that the sun circled around bigger things itself. Whatever.

Kagome was different. Of course she was, she had been raised in a different era, didn't have the burden to be a high priestess on her shoulders from the day of her birth. The Japan she had grown up in was peaceful and except for the stories of her grandfather, it didn't deal much with mythology and spiritual powers. And still she had accepted him from the beginning. But again, this was probably part of how she had been raised. To be open minded. Helpful. Decent. Things like that.

And he was committed to her also, by different things than he was to Kikyo, but he was. He wasn't able to name these things though, neither what bounded him to her, nor to the other girl. How could he? Love, guilt, loyalty, friendship, the Jewel, desire to be a full blooded demon once, what? It drove him crazy to not know himself what was up with him, so how could he tell Kagome?

She had been right about one thing though, he would go again, when he got a hint about Kikyo's whereabouts, even if he had denied it. On the one hand it frightened him that she could tell his thoughts and his actions so well, on the other hand he was glad about it because she was at least able to understand his motives. Even if he hurt her. That was the worst. That he hurt her with his actions, with his commitment to the dead woman. He had seen her turn away when he cared for Kikyo, had seen the tears she had tried to suppress. For once he cursed his keen senses for what they revealed to him.

But how else could he react? He couldn't let Kikyo fall like a hot potato and just forget about her. She was a part of him…more or less. At least of his past and… She was a part of his past that had come back to haunt him. Kill him. She had tried, he had to admit and she had tried more than once. But she had also stopped, she now was like…no she wasn't like before she had died. But could he expect her to be? She had to rely on souls she stole from dead girls to survive, to stay moveable.

Suddenly the question how long he could go on like this popped into his mind. He could probably spend his life searching for Kikyo's remains and never find them. Having the blood of a tai-youkai in his veins, he could go on with his search until Kagome's era dawned or even longer. Until the end of time maybe. He didn't exactly know how big his life span would be since he never got the chance to ask his father about it and he would sooner eat that curry thing again before thinking about asking his brother. But he would certainly live a few hundred years longer, maybe even a few thousand if he wasn't killed by someone - or something.

Someone who certainly wouldn't live this long was Kagome. He was on the edge of loosing her all along, but the thought of her mortality because of old age came to his mind now for the first time. How old did humans get in her time? 70 maybe? Older? She had promised to never leave him, but she would, sooner or later. Either because she wanted to…because she found that a life in her own time was of more comfort and joy without the duty to be in the Sengoku Jidai ten out of twelve months a year…or because she would die someday. If by the hand of an enemy or of her age was only halfway the question.

He shook his head, wanting to get rid of these thoughts. They still lingered in the back of his mind, but were not on the silver tray anymore.

He had also promised her something. To be by her side…and how often had he broken this promise? More times than he could think of in this moment. And he freaked just because she went to her time once in a while. He wasn't really fair, he knew this. But even though she had promised to remain at his side, he always feared that she might not return. And when she went, he couldn't stand it after a few days and went to get her. Compared to that…she… She had always let him go, even urged him to do so lately; trusting that he would return soon to continue their journey. Why couldn't he be so trusting? Education again? Life? But he couldn't blame everything on that, could he? She had proofed that she returned, had earned his trust…

And he did trust her. But did he love her? Wasn't that just the topic he had started his thoughts with? She did love him, he knew this. She had screamed it out loud in front of Kagura and that baby. It had broken the kid's control over her. And she had shown it earlier. Months ago. Did he love Kikyo? His mind screamed affirmative answers to him, but his heart remained silent.

Thinking the whole situation over again, he couldn't come to another result. Did he love Kagome? This time his mind was more than unsure but his heart threatened to burst with a positive answer. But what did it mean? To him, to her, involving everything they had been through and what was about to come? And did it mean to…give up about searching Kikyo? Because he still had…to fulfil a promise he had made. Killing Naraku. Going with her. On the other hand, this promise had been made under a spell of hers. He would kill Naraku and avenge everything they had to go through and everyone who had been killed because of or by him but…he wasn't willing to leave the world this way. He had things that bound him now to the world, things he couldn't just give up. Namely Kagome. She and his other friends. But she the most. She was…his reason, had become his…constant in life. He couldn't leave her, not knowing what would be when he wasn't a part of her life anymore.

Again, his thoughts circled around on the same topic and no way out, not even a back door showed up. What could he do?

He finally leapt off the tree and crouched down next to her face. She looked even more vulnerable when she slept. He smiled a little but got startled when she suddenly opened her eyes.

"I was wondering when you would come down", she whispered and sat up. He hadn't noticed that she wasn't sleeping. She had become way too good in pretending, he worried.

"How did you know I was awake?" he asked back, still a little startled.

"I heard you move. You never move when you sleep, not even when you doze", she answered, again whispering. She didn't want to wake their companions, not even Kirara or Shippou. It would be a long day, they needed the rest. "Can't sleep?" It wasn't dangerous here, he had no reason to stand guard.

His eyes found hers for a second but in the dim twilight she couldn't tell what his golden gaze held, what he maybe wanted to tell her. But he didn't answer, remained silent for a long while. She tried to get a hint from his face, his eyes but the moon was veiled by thin clouds and she just couldn't tell. She hadn't found any sleep herself; she had the feeling to have slept enough after the incident with the baby for at least a week.

"You're alive", he then stated. Okay, now he confused her to an extreme.

"Well…yes", was everything she could answer and a frown appeared on her face. "What is wrong, Inuyasha?"

"Nothing", he hurried to say, he didn't want her to worry. "It's just. I've been thinking. About…feelings. Yours. Mine." She could see that it was hard for him to express what he wanted to tell, but she couldn't help him. She was too surprised that he came up with something like that…at a time like this and…that he did _talk_ with her about this…at all. "You were right about me running off again when rumors about Kikyo appear. But that…", he closed his eyes for a second, "that doesn't change how I feel about you." He had said it. But he didn't know if he should be relieved or if he had just made a fool out of himself since she certainly had interpreted several of his actions the same way.

Kagome on the other hand was speechless. Since when did he think such things and dared to verbalize them? Normally he just sat there, silent when she talked about something which only had the same direction; and now he was…like this? And…how did he actually feel?

Her thoughts were answered when he slightly bent down and placed a warm, soft and longing kiss to the corner of her mouth. It only lasted a few second, then he pulled away to look into her eyes again. This time, he stood hers, didn't look away. The wind had torn the veil of clouds apart and now full moonlight shone on them. He could see the moisture in her eyes, but was unable to do anything else.

"I…", he paused, unable to speak any further. He acted ridiculous; he confronted Naraku without any second thoughts but he had scruples to tell the girl who loved him that he felt the same for her. Something was wrong with him. More than that. He swallowed dryly. "I love you", he finally managed to whisper, almost inaudible for her ears to catch. "And I want you to believe that I really do. But… I didn't do a good job in showing it and I'm not sure if I can change that in the nearer time to come. I managed to make a mess of both of our lives. And-" He was silenced when she leaned up and kissed him full on the lips.

"I know", she whispered when she released him. "It will take time, to clean everything up. And I do believe you." She wrapped her arms around his neck and smiled when he returned the embrace.

A few minutes later he jumped into the branches again, content with himself for once and finally able to sleep for the remaining hours of the night.

Time… He silently asked himself how much time was left for them, but shoved that, too, into the back of his mind. He wouldn't worry about that now.

            -FIN-


End file.
